Time to change something. Time to step out into the unknown and do something new. Time to leave comfortable choices and easy decisions behind. That time has come for me, and I thought I would share a few thoughts about this season that I have been mostly silent about up till now.
There is so much to tell that honestly I am a bit at a loss for where to begin.
Let me begin with this nice diagram I ran across on facebook recently. You know how it goes, I really don’t even know who to give credit to, but I can tell you that it’s not mine, though I can swear to the accuracy of this picture.
What you will notice is that in order to pass from comfort to growth, you have to go through fear. I have seen this in others and experienced it in my own life far too many times to count. It’s probably primordial. Just think about our ancestors who went hunting for food with spears and rocks. They had to leave the safety and comfort of their homes in the caves or hidden away in nooks or hilltops. They crossed the wild savannah filled with lions, tiger, and bears (oh my – can’t you just smell the fear?) And all of that so they could make a kill and continue to thrive.
But all of that is scary and at times life threatening. Dante’ wrote, “Abandon all hope ye who enter here.” Of course I know he wasn’t talking about leaving our comfort zones, but it can feel that way sometimes. In my own life there is a sense of safety and comfort where I live, work, play, and thrive. For nearly 13 years, Bismarck has been home to my family. Me and Lyra have pretty much raised three kids here. We have friends who feel like family. I have served a church that has loved me far better than I deserve and I have had the opportunity to build a life that in many ways I love.
Don’t get me wrong, everything isn’t always sunshine and roses. If you know me and you know my story, you know that we have struggled to navigate some difficult things the past few years. But perhaps in some ways these things were driving us out of comfort and into fear, where maybe we would not have gone otherwise. Lyra and I have both had to work to let go of many things that we thought would provide comfort. We have moved into learning and ultimately into growth.
Not long ago, when our youngest was about to enter high school, each of us was wrestling with what might be next for us. We each knew we wanted to grow. It is so easy to get comfortable and simply stagnate. To live in the safe cave by the fire and starve to death with no purpose or meaning. There is a reason you can’t drink stagnant water. It’s bad, it’s worthless, and it will bring you harm. We each felt a call to move forward. To renew a purpose. To find something new to reignite a passion for living and doing. We wanted to find a way forward. We wanted something that gave us each a sense of hopefulness for a new future.
Through a series of somewhat related and unrelated events, I got in touch with a new job opportunity at Corinth Reformed Church in Grand Rapids Michigan, to be a teaching pastor there. This is the type of job that a part of me deep down has always longed for. The church has a shepherding pastor and had begun to search for a teaching pastor. I have known other friends and mentors with similar dual leadership roles in their churches and always felt I would be a good fit for something like that. There are some things that I am simply not good at, but still have to do as a church leader. I mean, obviously that is the case with any job, so I am not complaining.
A wise professor in seminary taught me that if you are doing 60 percent of what you love, and 40 percent of what you don’t so much enjoy, that is a good job for you. By the way, I think this applies to any career path. The good news is that while I think I have been within the good ratio here for so many years in Bismarck, I actually think I could be going for something more like 80/20 in the future.
It’s not just about me though! We are very hopeful that because of the educational opportunities available in the Grand Rapids area, Lyra will be able to pursue a degree in counseling. Something she has very much hoped to do for a long time, but especially in recent years as she has benefited from deep soul work herself, she thinks it’s time to pay it forward.
We have been pushed out of the comfort zone for a long time. Family struggles, pain, a bit of apathy and quite frankly the exhaustion of pastoring through the past several years has kept us firmly away from the comfort zone. But fear is not the primary thing I think either of us have felt in these seasons. Mostly what has happened is we have learned.
We have learned what really matters to us. And we have learned the important words of that old prayer – to accept the things we cannot change.
That has been a biggie. In different ways for each of us, we have had to accept the things we cannot change. I still don’t always. But I am learning to more and more. Personally for me it is especially hard not to be an A-hole about my acceptance of things I cannot change. Perhaps that’s next for me.
But here is what I have been able to do. I have been able to evaluate things from a new perspective. I am way more comfortable with being out of control of things than I was just four or five years ago. I have new skills of vulnerability and honesty, because I just don’t care as much as I once did about my reputation. And the changes that have been forced on us the last few years have helped us learn to adapt and embrace new and difficult challenges.
I think that’s why this is working out the way it has. I know not everyone will immediately accept or appreciate the “God know’s what he’s doing thing.” But I can assure you that there is something happening here that is way beyond my control. And I think in many ways it is a really good thing for me, for my wife, and honestly my whole family. And I believe this was teed up years ago.
I think God knows what golf hole he is aiming my life at. He picked the tee, he tested the wind, he choose his club. And yea, I won’t lie, at times I think it feels like he’s smacking me pretty hard. But when I let go of my own desire for comfort. When I grab the rocks and the spears and head out into the wild unknown. It feels hopeful that the wildebeest herd will be there and that growth is the future. I believe there is thriving, hopefulness, beauty, and a feast at the end of the hunt.
I write this all out the way I do for you. Honestly, I am thinking of you as you read my story. Do you feel the pull of growth in your life? Do you give in to the far stronger pull of comfort and stagnation? There is a wild hunt calling your name. You are invited to grab a spear and head to the great savannah. I won’t lie. I am terrified. I have a million “what if’s” in mind. Packing is hard, what if that house sell doesn’t go through, what if they really just don’t love me well there? I am scared. But God is good. And there is a feast at the end of the hunt. I want to believe that. And I want you to believe it too.